1.15.12 not so happy anniversary

January 15th, 2013

1.15.12 not so happy anniversary

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tony_sobluelast year ago to the day i had to put my dog down after being given a whole 24hr notice that he wasnt going to live much longer than that. what a fucking shitty situation – you bring ur dog into the vet only to get this report “your dog has cancer – it’s terminal and oh by the way do u want to say ur goodbyes now because he isnt going to make it – it’s that bad.” (not the actual quote — i took out the medical jargon). i would be lying if i said i wasn’t gritting my teeth while i type this. it’s amazing how cancer can spread so quickly and so completely? chalk one up for having a stoic breed that doesnt show pain. chalk another one up for wishing animals could talk so they could let us know they’re in pain. still gritting my teeth.

that date, 1-15-12 has subsequently been tattooed on my chest simply because it was impossible to put in directly on my heart. i recently moved back into my place in la and yes it was easier being away for 8 months. quite often i find myself stepping over his imaginary sleeping body when i get up from bed. he spent so much time curled up next to me that this has become my own sort of phantom limb if u will. yeah, it sux – but to answer the question of “if it gets better” i would have to say no, not really. on one hand, life gets easier to “get on with” but for the most part i’ve become a card carrying member of the living dead – so “yeah” (rah rah) it gets easier but it still doesnt get any less shittier. there’s anger, there’s loneliness and there is a profound sadness that permeates the fabric of my soul like an old lady’s stale pall mall cigarette smoke. it’s gross.

to the “surprise” of some “casual observers” i haven’t had the desire to get another dog. i think that statement fell on deaf ears when i said it repeatedly throughout the year. i wish i wasnt quoting a movie here but “there can be only one” applies in this case. i was never really a “dog” person. sort of like i’m not really a “people” person. i’m specific in who i love and what i love and why i love – i dont just love. sorry mom, gandhi, jesus etc etc etc. anyway – tony… my man, my baby boy, my digger…i very very specifically love u and still wish u were by my side.

about the picture in this post. this was taken in 2008 in an alley in santa monica. magnificent pose aside, i particularly liked the blue garbage bin and thought it made for a nice background to his coat. throw in the orange and yellow lines and it’s an instant classic.

here’s a random video i found on my phone from a couple years ago – standard ignore mode. btw – despite how it might sound, i dont sit at home grieving and crying while watching old videos of my dog on repeat. in fact, i have still haven’t watched many of them at all. sometimes i pick out random ones to watch during a tournament though — just to put my head back in the zone. they bring me back to center – sort of like a scope on the end of a rifle.

there were 2 people who called me yesterday because they knew what today was. i want to thank them both for remembering. i appreciate it. it means the world to me that they even remembered. i honestly didnt think anyone would.

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